just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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