the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
