Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
