i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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