happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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