im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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