She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
