how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
