perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
