My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
