Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
