Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
