I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
