Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
