I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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