I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Alive.
So much puke
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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