Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
