I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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