I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
