No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
