My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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