i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
