Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
