Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
