So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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