Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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