I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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