I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Alive.
So much puke
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
