dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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