So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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