John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
