They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
