OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
