Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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