I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
