Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
