Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He better not be in your backpack
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
