It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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