my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
