remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
