Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
