giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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