yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
