Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
