I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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