and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
