apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
