i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
