Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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