My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
